Men & chores

Men and household chores

The pandemic and the resultant lockdowns have made us notice the huge changes on the domestic front. Families who have no live-in help, have been forced to take it upon themselves to do all the household chores in addition to working from home on the jobs they have, because domestic workers have been totally or partially disallowed to come to work.

There are hundreds of Whatsapp jokes and memes about men being forced to work at home during the lockdown ever since it was declared on March 24. Yet the fact remains, that given our social structure, the workload on women has risen manifold and very few men actually share the load. Even the stay-at-home women have had to give up the freedom of doing their household work at their own pace as the husband and children have also been at home 24x7, and in most cases demanding attention too.

The myth of the superwoman faces the risk of shattering because while feeding the family continues to be the main job, there is also a lot of other work - cleaning, laundry, children’s school work, shopping for essentials and if working, their own office work. The woman is responsible for smooth running of the house. In some of the cases where the husbands help, it is just that, a help, not contribution. Putting your soiled shirt in the laundry is not sharing work!

Do you have to dress up like a woman to do the household chores?

Even I, neither a sociologist nor a psychologist, understand that it needs a defining change in the mindset and behavior of both men and women though it challenges our mental conditioning and upbringing. I am trying to look at it from both the angles.

The reasons given for men not sharing household  chores, are numerous:

He was not taught by his mother.  Mothers who have always pampered their sons by saying - Why should he clean or learn to cook? His wife would do it or they can keep a maid. He has to build his career/ his work is stressful, he needs ample rest at home/ he is the provider for the family, the daughter in law should take care of the house. Most of these mothers forget that they had used the ‘ask, cajole, scold and nag’ formula when bringing up these boys. And some mothers did not forget to remind them of the balidaan (sacrifice) they had made in terms of career, personal care, relations their own family and friends and time for themselves.

But ask the man! Are you still a baby? Do you want me to enlist the hundreds of other things good or bad, you were not taught by your mother yet you learned them? The same way you can learn how to work for your wife and children from whom you demand love, respect and attention.

He cannot do this work. Men from all generations will agree that this is a demeaning comment. Why would a man want to admit scoring poorly in the field of having essential life skills? Or does he have no empathy for his partner who, if he is not short-sighted/has filed for divorce/has another woman tucked away somewhere else, would clearly see, is overworked. I have heard many men shamelessly saying Ghar ke kaam mein kaun si aql chahiye (You do not need brains to do household work). Then why not take up part of the responsibility or are you trying to announce that you live your life and have a family with a woman who does such ‘brainless’ work?

He refuses to do unpaid work. Is housework below his dignity or goal of earning money? Yet he allowed his mother and now wife to do it. Does he pay his wife for the free labour? Most of the men take up the responsibility of deciding the long and short term financial planning, major purchases like car, house or insurance. But quietly slip back when the daily chores of household chores or taking care of elders and children, is talked about. They don't feel that the household drudgery is worth their effort and time. The man does not help with the children’s extra-curricular activities because he has ‘important’ stuff to attend to. He, however, is the last stop for disciplining kids and implements behavior norms. Papa ko aane do bataoongi (Let your father come, will tell him), is the common refrain.

https://www.huffingtonpost.in/entry/what-does-it-take-to-get-indian-men-to-do-household-chores

quotes Dr Rajat Thukral, a psychologist. “There are multiple dimensions to women’s prioritizing of housework, ranging from ‘internalized oppression’ to negotiating power and respect in the family for their performance of traditionally feminine roles.”

Women are stronger, can deal with it. No wonder, it is the women themselves who say it. Are they increasing their sense of self-worth or merely parroting the lessons given by the women of generations gone? No woman likes slogging 24x7. Some of us do not even enjoy cooking and cleaning every day all our lives. Except in the case of where a woman will have to find somewhere else to go if she voices her needs, it seems illogical to resign yourself to your fate without asking for help.

The woman has to make sacrifices. It is not a rare thing to come across Indians who still live by the notion of pati ki seva (service to husband). To them it is a man’s job to provide and protect. Therefore, he deserves seva (service) and respect even if he is a pig of the first order. Educated or working girls do not get this benefit. The painful fact is that even women propagate this theory. Men can preserve and flourish in stressful jobs because women support them in the house. But in situations like illness, family fights or now this lockdown, running the household without any bumps has taken precedence over everything.

He does not do chores as I want. Now that touches a raw nerve for me too for what with my Virgo nature, I am no stranger to this theory. Some of us prefer doing chores ourselves because we seek higher standards than men. There are no patriarchal social restrictions but personal whims. Yet I have to admit that the lockdown jolted me into seeing reason. I would suggest the easy way out. Neither of you holds a degree in household chores. Let him cook, clean, wash, wipe whatever he can do better than you or is willing to do, and forget about it. Yet the jobs you both not like to do, either do them alternatively or less often. Use fewer utensils, put fewer clothes for ironing. 

Once in a while, push aside your concern for nourishment/taste/speed/cleanliness standards and let him cook. You are not personally responsible if there is a cobweb on the ceiling or the shirt did not come out as clean as the detergent advertisement had claimed. There is no reason for an argument or confrontation. The one pointing it out did not understand the TV advertisement showing an old man loading and unloading the washing machine.

Women have to speak up for their needs.The question to the women is- if you have oil heating on the stove, the doorbell rings as does your phone, the child eating lunch is asking for a second helping, it starts to rain with your clothes drying on the line while your husband is coolly sitting changing channels on TV and talking to the anchors, what do you do?

Run around like a maniac, muttering in the air about people coming in at odd hours or that nobody cares or 'I have to do everything'. Why not tell your spouse to answer the bell, ask the child to help himself, switch off the gas, pick up the clothes and return to the kitchen? Why take on this mantle of we can do everything and keep wearing a long face the whole day?

Will men keep helping after Covid?  

The hope is that after men have seen women in their families struggling to keep both house and work go smoothly during the lockdown, and have chipped in to lessen the workload, they would continue to do so even when the situation moves into pre-Covid times. It cuts down the stress on the wife and mother and allows her more time to spend with him and on herself. I think a happy woman keeps a house happy.

https://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/03/some-theories-on-why-men-dont-do-as-many-household-tasks/273834/

says in order to relieve working mothers and save their relationships, we don't need to think deeply about theories of justice, fairness, and what counts as injustice either. Instead, we need simply notice, first, that these women are overwhelmed, second, that they're our best friends, and, third, that there are lots of little things we can do about their suffering.

In the workplace, individual supervisors should take steps to humanize their institution's policies and help their male employees respond to family needs. making it possible for a male employee to give the very best care to his child.

The article gives a comprehensive list of permanent invisible work, sharing which may make life easier.

Childcare management

Cooking and meal preparation

Dishwashing

Laundry, ironing and mending work

Grocery shopping

Home decorating

Yard work

Afterschool lessons, weekend and summer activities planning and coordination (researching, driving to, waiting during, and equipping)

Communication with extended family (calling mom, mailing gifts, etc.)

General household cleaning (sweeping, vacuuming, garbage removal, window washing, etc.)

Making travel arrangements and packing

Party planning and holiday preparation (cards, meals, decorations, cleaning)

General social outreach (setting up play-dates, interacting with neighbors, making plans with friends, etc.)

Monthly financial chores (bill paying, health claims and tax prep)

General shopping and consumer research (for clothing, gifts, technology, media, etc.)

Putting kids to bed and waking up with them in the middle of the night

Getting kids ready for school, dropping them off, meeting the bus in the afternoon

School-related tasks and communication (contacting teachers, delivering forgotten items, volunteering, attending conferences and shows)

Staying home with sick kids

General family scheduling

Coordinating and completing home repairs

Documenting family history (taking and organizing photos)

Managing and picking up the pieces after major upheavals (moves, home sales, funerals, job losses)

Pet care

Emotional work (resolving playground disputes, offering advice, proactively keeping the peace among siblings)

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