Gen- ICMR guidelines

 

Please read carefully, it says

All that tom-tomming about our self-claimed immunity due to the use of herbs and things natural seems to have gone out of the window. Coronavirus has resurfaced in several strains and avatars and so, the memes and jokes are back again in circulation.

And that is why and how I received this Whatsapp forward. I glanced at it, and then had to read it carefully. I am yet to decide if it was an April fool’s prank or a first draft written by a clerk with a great sense of humour or questionable knowledge of English or a strange sense of logic, in the ICMR (Indian Council of Medical Research) office and which may have accidentally got released now.

I spent hours searching the ICMR site for the advisory but the information there looked so officious and was written in such no-nonsense language that this one just did not look right. The logos, however, do make it look authentic and believable but then, there are too many of those too.

Let me explain. There are 21 points on this advisory and I shall focus on them one by one.

·     Postpone travel abroad for 2 years. Why two years? Whom did the virus tell that it would be on this planet for two years? If it had informed somebody, why did that unkind soul not warn us and put us out of our misery? Also, if it would go on its own then there was no need for the vaccine, isn’t it? We would have just somehow passed these two years waiting and be done with that.

Airport vs airplane social distancing 

Do not eat outside food for one year. The virus also enjoys 'outside food'? Why will it stay in outside food for one year? Does it have a sense of time? Is it following the earth around the sun? Besides, does everyone follow strict rules of hygiene when cooking at home?

Do not go to unnecessary marriage or similar ceremony. Anybody about to get married is in such a tearing hurry to do so that it could be suicidal to even suggest that their marriage is unnecessary. On the contrary, almost all the married people some time or the other in their lives wonder why did they get into this unnecessary relationship. So how do you decide? Besides, which other ceremony can possibly be similar to a ‘marriage ceremony’ in its ‘unnecessariness’?

Do not take unnecessary travel trips. Again the stress is on unnecessary. Travel means going from one place to another i.e. a journey while a trip is a journey especially undertaken for pleasure.  So if travel is unnecessary, then how can the trip happen? Isn’t the trip automatically unnecessary by nature?

Do not go to a crowded place for at least one year. When did this year start and when does it end? Which are these crowded places- shops/ trains/airports and airplanes/election rallies?

Completely follow social distancing norms. Is there a way to follow social distancing partially or in an incomplete manner ? In the times of internet we were already socially distanced, the virus only distanced us physically too. 

Summertime social distancing

Stay away from a person who has cough. Why only cough? Why not anything infectious or contagious be it flu, skin troubles, tuberculosis,…….  I would seriously suggest one stay away from even him/her who has an upset stomach or a cold.

Keep the face mask on. Where? Have you noticed sometimes one person alone in a car and driving wears a mask but as soon as he/she goes into the building and starts talking, he/she pulls it down to make himself/ herself audible.

Be very careful in the current one week. This is confusing because I do not know the week it is applicable in. The way I hear stories about the pandemic every week seems to be the week for exercising caution.

Do not let the any mess around you. (sic) The mess? If it is my mess then it jolly well stays around me. If it is somebody else’s, then it has no business being around me. They better clean it up.

Prefer vegetarian food. Is it proven that eggs, fish, chicken and goats are the carriers of corona virus? Or why can’t we graduate to being vegan? But then if I eat the food of the herbivores, what will be left for them to eat?

Social distancing at a provisions store

Do not go to Cinema hall, crowded market place for 6 months now. If possible park, party should also be avoided. Which six months? It is already a year now. Was this point not covered under the one mentioned earlier about crowded places? Did this condition apply during Diwali as well?

Increase immunity. Everyone tried to do that with a whole lot of staples in their kitchen cabinets yet the number of cases are rising. Can the writer suggest something which could work like switching on a button to increase immunity against Coronavirus?

·    Be very careful while at barber shop or at beauty Salon parlour. What is a beauty Salon parlour? How does one act careful there? Do barbers and those at beauty salons trade in virus? Then why go there in the first place? Why can’t everybody stay at home, order the required things online and be their own beauticians and barbers. At least it would be more creative and provide comic relief to the others in these times of despair and despondence.

Avoid unnecessary meetings. Always keep in mind social distancing. Quite contrary to what the bosses might think, workers across all fields and of all categories agree that meetings are unnecessary, a waste of time and energy and spoil the fun of having a quiet cup of chai with your eyes glued to the mobile in your chair or corner.

The threat of CORONA is not going to end soon. Soon as in less than two  years? I think you made yourself clear in the first guideline itself, pal.

Do not wear belt, rings, wrist watch when you go out. Watch is not required, your mobile has time. Smartie pants, who wrote this, Sure, this way we avoid the attention of pickpockets and thieves. I am not so sure whether the airborne virus has an eye for jewellery and likes to park itself there? Wear the trousers without the belt? Is everybody supposed to have gained weight during the Corona times?

No handkerchief. Take sanitiser and tissues if required. Where do you dispose of the soiled tissues is not advised especially in case of Corona carriers. Use the tissue and throw it somewhere to spread the infection? Gone are the days when you could see people carrying beautiful and clean handkerchiefs. More and more people wipe the outpourings of their nasal cavities unhygienically these days. 

Don’t bring shoes into your house. Leave them outside. Even one’s own shoes? Virus sticking to the shoes? When you buy a new pair, can you bring that in? Do you also throw your pet cats and dogs out when they bring them in shoes to chew on them?

Clean hands and legs when you come home from outside. The virus does not like touching the feet and goes straight to the legs? If I am correct, except if one is wearing a lungi, shorts or a skirt, the legs would be covered. Why this preferential treatment for legs? No washing of bare arms, face and neck?

When you feel you have come nearer to a suspected patient, take a thorough bath. Near or nearer? In these times everyone feels like a carrier if not a patient.  It is not very clear to some people like me when to take this bath? Are you supposed to let the ‘suspected patient’ stand there and proceed with taking a bath yourself and then come back and finish the business with them?

The last sage suggestion is - Lockdown or no lockdown next 6 months to 12 months follow these precautions.

I have no idea when these guidelines came out or whether they did come out, so cannot tell when those 12 months would be over finally. One good thing is at least he/she ran the spell-check.

                                                                                                                              - Anupama S Mani