Cheers to all auntyjis!

Cheers to all auntyjis!

He was polite, quite good at his job and loved to talk, non-stop at that, but Mani did not seem to mind. The third morning as I opened the door for him, he again bowed his head slightly and with folded hands, said – Namaste, auntyji.

That took me by surprise. He was not being sarcastic or offensive. Waves of mirth rose in me. He had greeted me with only a ‘namaste’ the first two days. He seemed to be of an indeterminable age. Short, bald, paunchy, with furrows on his forehead, moving with measured steps, he could be anything from 35 to 50. I am not good at guessing age and revelations about how long someone has been on this planet, generally take me by surprise. What is funny is that he still calls Mani – ‘bhaiya’ (brother), yet promoted me, Mani’s wife, to aunty, one rank above, in relation.

In India it is considered rude to address an older person not related to you by their name unless you are in a business environment. (Then too, it generally becomes Ma’am and Sir.)

In most of the Indian languages every relation on both parents’ sides or in-laws, has a specific name e.g., there is a difference between what parents’ brothers are called e.g., in Hindi, mother’s brother -mama, father’s brother -older -taya, younger-chacha, mother’s parents are nana-nani and father’s are dada-dadi.

Other adults we know are usually addressed as if they were our own relatives. So, all of them you know are uncle and aunty. And by now, you would know that ji/jee is a mark of respect.

For children the gardener, milkman, mailman, doctor, school van driver, everybody comes in the category of so-and-so uncle and the maid, nanny, neighbour, or any other woman not of your DNA and from the generation before yours, is auntie/aunty.

In the villages or town neighbourhoods, there have always been aunties-senior women who shared the job of taking care and mothering. They were also the main source of information and of course, gossip. They not only knew all the goings-on in that place, but also had solutions for every problem. They were called masi (mother’s sister) or bua (father’s sister). Now people prefer to use the English word Auntie because it makes them feel superior.

According to Probal Dasgupta’s study The Otherness of English: India’s Auntie Tongue Syndrome, the term aunty “functions these days as a marker of Western sophistication among the upwardly mobile middle classes in urban and semi-urban India.”

To be fair to the man in question, there is no age bar for being titled auntie. It works on the basis of age, whether relative or assumed. 

Aunty can imply that the woman addressed is married which may not be true in many cases. Little children would call anyone in a sari or with a bindi on her forehead, auntie.

Interestingly, no matter what the age gap, children of colleagues also call you auntie/uncle. The look of horror on a newly-wed officer’s wife, in her early twenties, was understandable when the boss’s son studying for his MA, called her auntie. The age gap was only three years.

I have read that using the term auntie/uncle for people not related to you, is prevalent in most countries of south and south east Asia, besides Russia and Hawaii. Is that also why Texan children learn to call adults ‘ma’am’ and ‘sir’?

Aunty/uncle may be close to the family like if they are parents’ friends. I am Mani auntie (not Anupama auntie) to several lovely adults. It has been several years now that I have been shamelessly enjoying the privilege, the respect and attention that comes with being an auntie, a member of the extended family.

The first time I was called auntie, it made me feel very important- like I was the matriarch of a flock of sheep – senior, mature, responsible, protecting and useful.

But there is a catch here. In our patriarchal society, often girls or women of same age or even younger can be called ‘auntie.’ There may not be any wrinkles or grey hair. In these cases, it is meant to be a sarcastic remark on someone who talks, dresses or behaves in not-so-modern manner, perhaps even a comment to shame her for the shape of her body, her weight or way of dressing/behaving. That could also translate into her being addressed as dumb, old (old-fashioned too) or unworthy of attention.

I guess most of us women have experienced it some time or the other at the hands of random people on the street who try to catch your attention with ‘unteeh-unteeh’ and even salesmen who aunty jee you with emphasis on jee as if stressing that they are young and intelligent and you’re old and do not get the hang of something.

Most of us have heard this about a young girl-She talks/advises/thinks/comments like an auntyjee. The sexist bias is that you do not hear anyone say about a man, ‘he talks/… like an uncleji.

I am not including mohalle ki auntyjees (neighbourhood aunties) who are more interested in what is happening in others’ lives than in their own. They can be loud and controlling. But the moment I heard the lead character Rachel Choo acknowledge the interfering, domineering women in her boyfriend’s family during a wedding as ‘aunties’ in Crazy Rich Asians, I realized that this could be the whole South-East Asian thing.

Also, to share with you that Jesse Sutanto, an Indonesian-Chinese writer, has written a book ‘Dial A for Aunties’ which tells the story of a wedding planner from California who accidentally kills her blind date and goes to her aunties for help. I learn that the book would soon be turned into a Netflix film.  

So, three cheers for all the auntyjis! Believe me, it is better than being called ‘eh, Meydhummji (madamji)’!

                                                                                                 -Anupama S Mani