I caught a cold!

I caught a cold!

The news does not merit a mention in the Finance Minister’s proposals for our health budget, nor is it that I have never caught a cold, far from it. But the distinguishing factor is that every time I get a cold, a scratch on the skin, a sunburn, a mosquito bite, a bump/cut/bruise, whatever small thing it is, the pain and discomfort are experienced afresh. It is not like narrating a fairy tale starting with ‘once upon a time…’

Everyone catches a common cold some time or the other in life unless it is a symptom of serious illness like flu, RSV, allergy etc., or even, God forbid, Covid in some new avatar.

Yet, do not be surprised if you meet somebody who does not believe that common/head cold is a viral infection of the upper respiratory tract i.e., nose and throat. All of us have heard our mothers and grandmothers warn, “Don’t get your feet/clothes/hair wet or wander in the cold, you’d catch a cold,” as if like the devil ever ready to enter your soul if you do not utter ‘bless you’ after a sneeze, the cold is waiting to come pounce on you.

Doctors say common cold or head cold is generally harmless, and goes away on its own. Contrary to old women’s prediction that it would go away in a week or seven days, the Centre for Disease Control (USA)  says it takes anything between 10 to 14 days. The virus attacks your weak immune system and lives off your body giving all the symptoms- malaise, runny/stuffy/blocked nose, sneezing body ache, headache besides sore, rasping throat and cough. For some the flowing discharge might infect tonsils, stomach or throat. But it goes away without the need for any serious medication.

Now, for that fortnight you may follow either of the regimens.

Stay under house arrest, focusing all your attention on this couple of inches long inhaling machine God has stuck right on the front of your face, and keep making savage caveman sounds while blowing your nose, clearing your throat, hacking phlegm. Lie in bed dressed in layers of warm clothing and reeking like a witch’s kitchen. Heat up the house like Lucknow in May, cook this problematic appendage in steam, feed your innocent body which in all probability, has been caught unawares, deadly decoctions made from unfamiliar spices. Cover your head in a towel, whine, complain, be miserable and blame the darned unlucky stars because nobody in the history of the world had such a bad cold ever.

I tried an alternative therapy. Trust me, it worked and was satisfying as well. Making the best of my ‘ill-health’ last week, I successfully avoided meeting three people. Too scared to catch a cold from the curtains and the furniture, the air, door knobs, clothes, utensils, almost everything, they willingly postponed their visit to some uncertain future.

I chose to go, nurse my cold in Chennai to ‘enjoy’ the hot weather and escape the monotonous (and thankless) job of keeping house. There I happily glugged nearly a bottle of Mr. Kamdaar’s fine rosé, met some friends, ate their food and in return, slapped my poor jokes on them.

It wasn’t until I was chomping on a sticky piece of candied mandarin, did I realize that all the food did not lack flavour and taste. It was my olfactory nerves which had struck work.

Learn from my experience. This blessed cold can give you a reason to avoid others’ experiments in cooking. Tell them that your skewed sense of taste and smell would not be the right judge for their culinary efforts and skip the odd-looking dishes.

Too much chilli and spice might sting your sore throat, but sharp, tangy water for golgappe is fine to drink because it makes your nose run, opens up the sinuses and clears the infected discharge. What relief it brings!

All that sneezing can mess up surfaces and atmosphere. It makes onlookers’ eyes turn into horizontal lines with suspicion about hygiene, so please avoid/postpone/delegate jobs for the sake of others’ good health.

Read/watch all the tear-jerker stories and blame it on the runny nose.

Remember, with the ears clogged, one can hardly hear what the others are saying, so relax. Why overwork your auditory sense? Who knows you might even hear some interesting things about yourself. 

Your clogged ears are causing a lot of discomfort. In the name of relief, you are allowed to be ill-mannered. Yawn publicly, pinch your nose and blow gently, chew gum, open your mouth wide and make ha ha sounds. This is also perhaps the right time to practise your singing.

Everyone says nose stands for respect and position. Cutting off nose is the ultimate in losing esteem and respect. Go ahead, show off your swollen Rudolph nose. For added effect, keep dabbing on it with a soft cloth.

Nearly all cough syrups contain alcohol. Support the cause of healthy living, stay away from these chemical formulations, and opt for a few swigs of dark rum or brandy with honey and warm water. It would not cure the cold, but you would feel happier. Isn’t happiness the truth we all are searching for?

And talk to your friends. They can be great idea-generators. One wanted to know how I caught it. ‘Probably, stayed too long in the bathroom when washed hair and got exposure,’ I said. ‘Don’t bathe, just sponge yourself with damp towels till the winter is over,’ was this angel’s advice.

The other one wanted to know why can’t I take a heater in my bathroom. Indian bathrooms and room heaters? Doesn’t that give your imagination some minutes of aerobic exercise?

Last time I had a cold, I followed a friend’s sage advice and merely touched the cure-all Vicks Vaporub to the inside of my nose. I can clearly recall the pain and embarrassment of living with two patches of unsightly camphor burns under my nostrils for weeks and having to admit to the doctor friend what I had done.

CDC says adults catch a cold two to three times a year, so I can assure you of this short break from pain in the backside kind of jobs and people for that much time.

If you are lucky, you would have a cold in winter. Else, how you do sit wrapped in a blanket with the air-conditioner running to cool down 45 degrees celsius?

Ladies among the readers, if the man of the house catches a cold, treat it like a natural calamity and turn on the disaster relief mode.

Remember, I always wish well of my readers. Keep the soothing balms, the hot soup, rasam and masala chai (spice tea) ingredients, the brandy and the rum, the nasal drops, lozenges and heaps of tissues close by. Feed your OCD for washing hands, clothes and sanitizing the whole house. Enjoy your break till it lasts.

                                                                                     -Anupama S Mani