Is it my eureka moment?

Is it my eureka moment?

In a mega news event organized by a TV channel earlier this week, there were nearly a dozen union ministers among the speakers. They each spoke for at least 15 minutes about what they had achieved or were going to, and of course, how the government was transforming our dear Bharat.

I watched and heard some of them. And then it struck me. God, I had found my purpose in life. Why didn’t I think of it earlier? I will not say about you, but I can jolly well be a cabinet minister. I still have some good years left in me.

Right now, I am not a politician, so I speak the truth. I have all the pre-requisites for the post.

Photo: Bored Panda 

General elections are to be held next year. Being non-violent, I cannot fight elections; being largely contended with what I have, I would not contest. I do not owe allegiance to any political party nor do I have that kind of money to jump into the election battlefield. So, I cannot be a member of the lower house.

However, if the ruling bigwigs pick me up and find me a place in the Rajya Sabha (Upper House), plonk me on a berth in the cabinet, they would be doing immense good to the nation they are striving to serve. This can be done irrespective of the general elections time. No, this is not against the law, otherwise they would not have done the same with a few of the ministers in their cabinet. Then they can relax, because their government might come or go, I’d outlive them in the house by a year and bring glory to their name.

Besides the basic qualifications of age, citizenship and non-criminal background, I have some additional qualifications which might prove very advantageous for my position as a cabinet minister.

A cabinet minister heads a humongous set-up of government staff working facelessly at scores of levels, for the success of the government plans and promises. The latter exchange their youth for the sense of security the job promises and the dreams it weaves in their minds of power, position, better financial prospects and a comfortable retired life, etc.

A tiny idea from any source or an order from the top and the minister sets the giant wheel rolling. It is the staff and officers who draft the plans, policies, agenda, calculate the finances, plan of execution and it is they whose necks are in the noose. The minister holds meetings, ‘takes stock of the situation’, reviews and on the mike announces them occasionally or frequently to the people, and takes the credit in the end. This is a near perfect case of delegation. Now, I can do that.

The population keeps growing. The people keep working to improve their lives. The GDP, per capita income, commerce and trade activities, everything keeps on growing, irrespective of the minister’s role. With me as a minister, they can still carry on uninterrupted, unaffected, unchallenged.

I can be a minister in any department, I am equally ignorant about all subjects and would not interfere in anyone’s work.

I can dream big and propound fantastical ideas, present one included as proof.

Duly provoked, I can argue on most issues, especially the ones not under my dominion.

I can occasionally talk on matters which do not concern me and like all the present incumbents, never challenge establishment.

I can talk to strangers, smile at unknown children, nod my head during random conversations and am very accessible too.

I have the ability to not only survive but listen to, remember, and quote (in parts, not necessarily in context) long verbal expressions of someone’s loud thinking. I do not need any shawl, mala, phool, gamla, kaju (garland, flowers, potted plants, cashew) or memento during these meetings. Chai-pakode (tea-vegetable fritters) are good enough.

With my unshakeable faith in democracy, I am willing to transfer serious matters in the hands of janata (public) to go ballistic about, yet go calmly on with my life.

Union Finance Minister Nirmala Sitharaman

I am always willing to learn. I therefore, promise to make serious efforts to undergo practical training in how to shout, interrupt others while they are speaking and use euphemisms for expletives rushing to my mind.

Unlike a handful of aging film stars who have chosen to rest their weary bodies in the air-conditioned interiors of our parliament (God forgive me for pointing this), most of our politicians are plain looking and non-glamourous. I qualify for that category.

Minor points to add: I have long experience in living in sarkari accommodation.

I can run from car to building or vice versa, appearing focused and busy.

I can attend ‘n’ number of functions in a day and yet not look or be bored.

Like our own bade kad ka (of tall stature) national leader, I can also sport and flaunt something very unique- an extremely affordable, pocket-friendly collection of earrings. Let me point out that it has never been done in the history of parliamentary democracy in India.

The safest bet is none in my family wants to be in politics. I can do selflessly whatever work it is that these ministers do.

It is high time we cut down on our dependence on the Swiss banks. If anyone is willing, you would get an opportunity to be my financial advisor.

When I retire, I shall open an academy for training ministers. Indians have started making a foray in this field in the international arena. So why not train more people of Indian origin and have supremacy in world leadership?

Now someone not only brainy, but loving and supporting like you, has to tell the man with the patent on mann ki baat (roughly- what my mind says) my mann ki baat.

Then with me up there, you can sit back and relax that you have sent a worthy candidate to the parliament and done your most important duty to your beloved motherland.

Ah, I can see a la the climax court scene in Legally Blonde, an O my God escaped your throat!

Now, this idea is so effing up my mind that I just need a break. Either somebody would unearth this potential gem for addition to the union cabinet or like is the unfortunate destiny of such great ideas, it would die its own death.

So, let me watch a while and we shall meet here on the 20^th of May.

                                                                                                - Anupama S Mani