Rise and shine!

Rise and shine!

It is Mother’s Day tomorrow. Till a few years ago it was as unknown in our country as Valentine’s Day used to be. But let us give credit to the rising consumerism among our urban and semi-urban populace that even children who seemed to have taken their mothers for granted, now remember them one day of the year. They might call the old woman up, send a card or get her a gift but it is an acknowledgement of her role in their lives and that is not a bad step after all.

Coming to me - a few days ago, a close friend called me a ‘helicopter mom’. Ordinarily, I would have been offended by the implication that I had hovered around the poor boy, taken over every aspect of his life, been overprotective, in short, overparented. But no, I could only chuckle. Me, a mother who loved her job as a sub-editor and for years, was absent from 2.p.m. to 9.p.m. daily and even beyond if there was an official or social engagement, I graciously accepted the term like a trophy.

With Mani’s transferable job, the child had to change schools every couple of years, a traumatic experience for children in similar situations because they have to  leave everything familiar behind and frequently adjust in a new environment- school, friends, neighbourhood, sometimes food choices and language too.

Let us be clear that most of the Indian dads are still decades away from the samples/examples you see in advertisements. Naturally, the mother has to step in. The mother cannot always leave the job of taking her children to school, sports, music or dance lessons or even friends’ birthday parties, helping in homework or dealing with physical or emotional situations, on grandparents, household help or neighbours.

Mani’s job demanded that he stay away for long hours. So, I was the only parent left and as most of you would agree, children do not bring up themselves. However independent or intelligent a child may be, he/she needs support and guidance at times.

I respect the decision of those who do not want to have a child, biological or otherwise. At the same time, I feel that the child we bring into this world is our responsibility till she/he grows up and slowly starts to take decisions from small ones to big ones in her/his life.

Every mother loves her child/children. Have you seen the scrawny, dirty pinkish brown, mangled- looking new born chicks of birds? Even their mothers bring them up with love, risking their own lives to get food for them. Why even people who keep dogs as pets, fuss over and shower a huge amount of attention on them, even brag about them! And to think I am a human with certainly more evolved emotions and thoughts.

My son would fiercely agree that I am not a perfect mother. Perhaps there could have been better ways for, and solutions to situations, but I am happy that as an adult he does not remember all the faux pas, mistakes, even blunders I made, some of them I cannot say, I am very proud of.

However, when I looked at the meaning of helicopter mom, I was surprised this is not the only kind of mom/parent you see. Will you believe it, there are several other types and categories of mothers/parents too? For those among us, who may be nearly as ignorant as I was, I am sharing my new-found knowledge, in short. 

In accordance with clinical and developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind’s research, parenting is broadly considered to be of four types: permissive, authoritarian, authoritative and neglectful. I had to read it again to know that authoritarian parents are dictatorial and overbearing while authoritative ones are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. The other two seem self-explanatory.

Other researchers have taken examples from the animal world. If you have time and patience, just look at it.

Tiger parents not only demand excellence and obedience, but feel that their children must repay them by making them proud.

Panda parents guide their children gently, and do not push, i.e.,   they allow their children to do things their own way.

Koala parents promote attachment between them and the kids right from the beginning.

Elephant parents’ children have more flexibility and choices and have no absolute rules to be followed.

Dolphin Firm yet flexible, dolphin parents have expectations, but appreciate their child’s creative spirit.

Jellyfish mom and dad exercise little control, have no issues with inconsistency or expectations although they are warm and communicative.

Octopus mothers (only) take care of the eggs till they hatch so I guess an octopus mother will guard the child till he/she becomes independent.

Dragon moms are fully invested in their children and help them surpass limitations by setting up systems and standards of accountability. They have high expectations for them. It is especially seen if the child has a life-limiting condition.

Lion type only applies to dads who through playful activities teach important life-skills to their children.

Then there are:

Umbrella parents - dedicated, anticipating their children’s needs, and taking actions. They are perhaps like  people living in the Terai area who carry an umbrella so when the rain comes, they are ready.

Free range parents are the opposite of anxious, safety-drilling parents. As the name implies, they teach their children how to stay safe, trust him/her and pull back.

Snowplough/bulldozer parents’ style is to clear all hurdles off their child’s way, remove all discomfort. To achieve that, they might take serious or underhand steps.

Drone Tech savvy parents can be snoopy. They use devices and apps to indirectly monitor their child’s physical, social, and online presence and jump in when the situation for the latter seems difficult.

I have already told what a helicopter parent is like. Then there are three other types.

While backbone mom and dad allow their children to participate in decision-making, they themselves have the final word.  

Bones mother and father themselves become strong, fearing the children would hurt them with word and action, physically and emotionally.

Building type of parents are a means of support and encouragement like a building, always egging their children on.

That is quite a list and I feel that most of us are a combination of several types. Much like how some of us try to identify people’s sun signs by their character traits after reading Linda Goodman’s Sun Signs, we can now spend many happy days classifying mothers, even fathers. So, go ahead, enjoy yourself.

Meanwhile, all of you who love mothering others, without any distinction of age, nationality, sexual orientation, rise and shine!  It is your day!

                                                                             -Anupama S Mani