Handle her with caution

Handle her with caution

If you have any plans for tomorrow, I would suggest - change them, postpone or cancel them because Sunday, October 27 is ‘Mother-in-law’ day.

You might tell me it is not (yet) celebrated in India. But who knows with commercialisation of every relation, this could be the next one to catch the advertisers’ and sellers’ attention. Do not tell me later that I did not warn you. It is easy to remember too - the Sunday before Halloween.

Forgive me for my ignorance but I have zero idea about who were the first in-laws on our planet. A friend says they differ from outlaws because most of them are not even wanted. They are a tricky relation, and mother-in-law tops the list.

As early as in the first century Roman poet Juvenal had written in Satire VI, a collection of his poems: ‘Give up all hope of peace as long as your mother-in-law is still alive.’  

Cartoons- Top L: Indian Art History Top R:Mythindia
Bottom: Cartoon Genie

A rather harsh Korean proverb says, ‘Toilets are like mothers in law. The farther away, the better.’ 

In India, it is mostly the husband’s mother who the daughter-in-law must be cautious about. She is the constant critic, the nagging voice buzzing in the latter’s ears. She comes with mental checklists, scoreboards, and cameras to record the mistakes of her child’s spouse.

The poor girl had only wanted to marry the boy and did not come with the ambition of spending the rest of her life being judged by his mother.

A cousin’s lovely daughter was being pursued by, for want of a better word, a suitor. After their ‘due diligence’, the girl’s parents refused the alliance. They later told me, Ladka theek hai, but uski mummy ke saath nahin chalega (the boy is fine, but it would not work with his mother.) Oh, the effort I had to make to contain the mirth bubbling up inside me because we knew the boy’s family and obviously his mother; their observation was dot on point, and ah, the satisfaction that I did not have to play the villain in telling them so. After all, you do not marry only the man, you marry his family too.

Even the biggest influencers of our lifestyles, Indian cinema and television, do not exactly have great mother-in-law role models to show off to the world.

Some of us sure are lucky to find a supportive/understanding mother-in-law. She brings cheer in the household when she comes to visit and is a source of inspiration and abundant love to the children and grandchildren when they visit her. She helps during children’s births or examinations, babysits during spouse’s outstation trips or other difficult times. These ‘second mothers’ play a positive role, help, support and contribute, and so, if sometimes criticize or offer wisdom, it does not hurt. On the contrary, you might have a bond of understanding and be grateful.

Some experienced/cynical people tell me that it is the case with largely those young men and women who had been a trouble to the whole family and their marriage seems like a relief to their parents that they are off their backs.

If you are extremely fortunate, your shrieks of horror and cries for caution when you see your mother-in-law drive over a mountain edge in your new car, would be interpreted as show of concern. But if you are an ordinary human on God’s list, weigh the consequences before you share the following clean, mostly fresh humour with your spouse (applicable to both wife as well as husband). In my defence, my objective is only to bring a smile to your face!  

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband. “Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”

“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband. “But I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I made it ‘risk.’”

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The clock fell off the wall. If it did a minute sooner, it would have hit my mother-in-law. That clock was always slow!

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A guy is driving along and sees his mother-in-law being attacked by six blokes.

“Aren’t you going to help?!” asked his wife.

“No,” said the man, “six should be enough.”

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Named my daughter after my mother-in-law.

Passive-Aggressive Nutcase just started secondary school.

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I took my dog to the vet today because it bit my mother-in-law.

“Did you have it put to sleep?” my friend asked.

“No,” I replied, “I had its teeth sharpened!”

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Employee: “Can I have tomorrow off to go and visit my mother-in-law?”

Boss: “No chance!”

Employee: “Thanks, I knew you’d understand!”

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Spent the last five years trying to find my mother-in-law’s killer…

Still can’t find someone to do it.

A big game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One night the couple woke to find the mother gone. In a clearing not far from the camp they came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a tree with a snarling lion facing her.

The wife said: “What are we going to do?”

“Nothing,” said the husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it.”

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A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night and told him “There is a burglar downstairs in the kitchen and he is eating the cake that my mother made for us.”

Sleepily the husband said, “Who shall I call, the police or an ambulance?”

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“Why did the police arrest your mother-in-law?”

“In connection with my father-in-law’s murder, but they released her.”

“How come?”

“They spoke to her for only two minutes and came to the conclusion that he committed suicide.”

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“My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot, but returned it a week later. “This parrot hasn’t spoken a single word.” She complained.

 “I haven’t had a chance to!” Replied the parrot.

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A wife called her mother-in-law and asks her, “If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?”

The mother-in-law yelled, “The mother of course!”

The wife said, “Then come clean up your drunk son!”

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My wife asked if her mother-in-law could come down for the weekend.

“Why?” I asked.

Because she has been on the roof for two weeks now and it has started to rain.

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What is the punishment for bigamy?

Two mothers in law.

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“I discovered my mother-in-law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious. I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.”

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So, go ahead, honour the day by making a call, send card/gift/flowers to her, or if you are the fortunate/adventurous type, pay a visit/invite her over.

If you ask me what is safer - send your spouse to meet her, with or without the gifts, kill two birds with a stone. The things you do for your partner!

                                                                                              -Anupama S Mani